why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
