there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Vodka?
Forever.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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