am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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