I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
