i'm lost and i look like a hooker
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
