I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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