i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
