you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
