Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
