1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
