went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
