I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
