Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
