I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I'm really busy with my period
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