It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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