wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize