It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Dignity is for republicans.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Did I show you my penis last night?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
