the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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