I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I touched a dick in church today
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
