You don't have asthma, your pregnant
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
