he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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