Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
