Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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