Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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