Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
