Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
