I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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