You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Randomize