Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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