she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
the liver wants what the liver wants
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
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