Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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