No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
