My hand turned me down
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
