One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
