after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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