He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
