I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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