I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
he fucked my hip out of place.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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