As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
