I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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