I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
