Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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