Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
