I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
