I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
