I hate all girls vehemently.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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