i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
how do flat chested girls get laid?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
So vagazzling was a success
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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