The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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