I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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