Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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