I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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