Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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