I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize