9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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