I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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