I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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