Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
