i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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