So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
