you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
