hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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