Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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