so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so let's talk penis.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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