we're chasing vodka with high fives
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
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