Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
